Don't you think it is about time you got something that was slightly different from the typical review structure. Well here we have the very first one of them! The reason behind this is because this isn't your “normal” kind of car being reviewed.
Today I would like to show you the Montes Excelsior, a very classy and posh luxury 4-door sedan that puts the Rolls-Royce Phantom and others at risk. But is it any good at the job? Well, in order to find out, I had to take a short trip to the wonderful city of Madrid in order to pick it up.
2014 MONTES EXCELSIORWords: Cheeseman
Photography: Cheeseman & WizzyThaMan
The day has come to show off to the poor Spanish. Everybody makes do now with whatever they can get their hands on at the cheapest of prices nowadays in Spain when it comes to buying a car, and here I am, about to go and try what is expected to be one of the most expensive cars money can buy. The only people that drive around, or should I say driven around, in cars like these are those that the Spanish hate, simply because they are wealthy. It has come to that point out here now. Almost to the point where everybody believes the rich are the nobility and the poor are the farmers back in the Ancien Régime.
Arriving at the main Montes dealership in Madrid I was rather shocked to see nobody getting out to greet me. I said I would be there at the exact moment I arrived, and they said there would be somebody there to greet me. Perhaps a Dacia Sandero wasn't the best choice of car to arrive in. Once I entered the quiet dealership though, I was greeted by somebody charging towards me apologising quicker than they were moving. I was swiftly sent through a back door where they had all the new cars waiting to be collected. Well, when I say all the new cars, there were about 3. This isn't a sign that the company is doing badly at all, it is just a sign that nobody buys new cars in Spain. As soon as I looked at the cars I spotted this dark blue, sleek, beast staring at me, and it was rather obvious what it was.
Before I knew it, I was handed the keys and given the thumbs up and the car was mine for the next couple of days. The key, covered in buttons, controlled so many things I began to wonder what the true concept of key was. You could open doors, set the air-conditioning, turn on the lights, but I couldn't for the life of me work out which one unlocked the car. Me, being foolish, forgot that it most likely unlocks itself when the key is nearby, so I pushed the button that opened the driver door. Lo and behold, the driver door gracefully opened and the daytime running lights turned on. Never in my life have I seen a car that appears to linger people in. It was successful in getting me in the car. Forget candy when it comes to abducting children, just open a door on one of these (however, of course, I do not recommend you do this).
Sitting in the car makes you want to never get out. There is not a single bit of the car that is not covered in something you just have to stroke, but one thing was most certainly present more than anything else. Many, many cows were “harmed” in the making of this car. There were things covered in leather that I have never seen covered in leather before. Have you ever found a car that has a leather wrapped indicator stalk? Nope, but this car has one. The is leather almost everywhere you look. If it isn't leather you end up looking at, it is most likely either some very nice looking wood, brushed aluminium or even carbon fibre. I have no idea how carbon fibre ended up in here, but the odd dash of it really does look nice. It is more than a joyous place to sit.
Getting yourself comfortable is pretty easy too. The seat has more settings than your average smartphone. The steering wheel is a similar story. All of this is control by soft-touch, nicely weighted buttons. Then you set up how warm or cold you want the seat and steering wheel to be. The same goes for the climate control, obviously. After this you set up what kind of massage you want, and there are more options than there will ever be at any masseur will ever know. In fact, it is easy to get far too comfortable and fall asleep.
If you do happen to fall asleep in the car, you should be reasonably OK. There are more airbags than there are in the entire Anaconda music video, the car can practically steer, stop and start by itself. On top of this, it comes with the usual array of things such as seatbelts and traction control, just in case you thought it doesn't have them either. Besides, it is unlikely you will fall asleep behind the wheel anyway, because if the car detects you are sleepy it literally screams at you and comes up with a warning in the “virtual cockpit” (in other words the dials which appear on a screen). It wouldn't be surprising if the car even pulls the car over safely, stops the engine and calls your neighbour or whoever else you preselected if you somehow manage to sleep through the sound of vuvuzelas (those annoying loud things used in the World Cup) through a megaphone. Well at least this is what I was told when the guy at Montes decided to have a quick last-middle fiddle with the car's electronics and decided to make me hear it before I set off.
Anyway, it was about time I fired up that engine sitting under the bonnet, and holy smokes did it put a smile on my face. The small blast of revs on start-up made the 6.5-litre V8 engine growl deeply. Then, my smile was completely wiped off my face and a pure and utter confusion appeared when I saw the rev counter appear in front of me on the "virtual cockpit". Never in my entire life have I seen a luxury car where the redline is at 8000 rpm. You can hop into any luxury Mercedes-Benz and you get as much as 6000 rpm. My favourite luxury car engine, the 6.75-litre V8 in the Bentley Mulsanne revs like a diesel. An engine in a car like this should not be revved. Ever.
Then I realised the one thing that may have just got me out of the car. I was looking all of the cabin for something to get the car out of neutral and put it into drive. I could not find anything that resembled a gear lever whatsoever. I even went as far as checking under the armrest, but this gear lever was nowhere to be seen. Does it pull always itself? How do you get into reverse? Who designed this car? Did they forget to put it in this car? All of these rather stupid questions were running through my mind when suddenly something hit me (not literally). What if the car only has paddles behind the wheel? I suddenly had this urge to hope that nothing would be there, but as I felt the back of the steering wheel I found my worst possible nightmare. Who in their right mind designs a car that is supposed to rival a Rolls-Royce with an absolutely hopeless paddle-shift gearbox.
I flick the car into first, and set off. Yet again another issue. The handbrake, one of these push the button affairs. And it is not an easily found or big button either. You would think I would have found it when I was searching for the gear stick, but no. I don't know what it is with manufacturers' obsessions with getting rid of handbrake levers. They might not be pretty and make take up space, but at least they are obvious and you know where they are the moment you sit in a car.
For what I thought may be the final time, I put my foot on the throttle gently thinking something else would prevent me from moving, but I actually began to move away.
So now, to tell you the plan I had. As this is a luxury sedan, I thought it would best to test this on a nice, long journey between the two big Spanish cities of Madrid and Seville. Any luxury sedan should make this trip and absolute doddle, so it was time to see how much of a doddle it would be. However, there were going to be a couple of things on the way. Going the entire way by motorway would have been rather simple, and it wouldn’t have tested every aspect of the car, so instead of taking a trip along hundreds of miles of boring dual carriageways, I decided to take a few detours going along country roads through the mountains and making stops in towns to see how "practical" this mini-Rolls rival was.
The journey began, as already known, in the wonderful capital city of Spain, Madrid. I don't know what was going on though, because the traffic was simply horrendous. To start, trying to pull out of the dealership's back carpark was almost impossible. Everybody was trying to charge down the road (not that they could go that fast) leaving almost no gap just so they didn't lose the battle of trying to be we one car ahead. Therefore, brute force and power was required in order to get out, and cars like these generally have more than enough power to do a maneuver like this. This car can certainly do it with the engine under this bonnet. Spot a gap, hit the gas, and you are off. The 6.5-litre V8 in this car is an absolute monster. In fact, it felt like it was jet propelled, partially thanks to AWD giving me levels of traction expected on a hypercar, and also thanks to max power output being 663 bhp, more than any other luxury 4-door ever.
The Montes Excelsior also is one of the first top-of-the-range 4-doors set to rival the Rolls-Royce and equivalent that does not feel absolutely ridiculous to drive around cities, in particular Spanish cities where some of the roads have lanes that are barely wide enough for a normal sized car, let alone buses, lorries and other large vehicles. The car is far more reasonable in dimensions, therefore making it far more "nimble" in places like these. One thing it doesn't get rid of is the fear of passing a lorry that is only a couple of inches from what could be one of the most expensive cars available to buy. I don't know why though, because the car literally drives itself through these tight spaces as it thinks it is both too close to the barrier and the lorry and almost prevents you from doing any of the steering by yourself.
Then came one of the biggest tests. Cars like these can hardly ever get into parking spaces in cities. Spain, however is one of the worst where you find Ford Focuses sticking out in perpendicular parking and them being nose to tail in parallel parking. A Rolls-Royce, Maybach or Bentley would be absolutely stuffed in this case. This however is a whole half a metre or more shorter than these, making me think it should be a walk in the park trying to find something, and indeed I did. After pressing the button that detects the sizes of parking spaces, I eventually got the bong telling me that was good enough and the car wants to park itself in there. The only issue was playing about with the stupid gearbox in order to get it into reverse (why, Montes, why?). Once that was done, the car, rather swiftly, parked itself perfectly centred between the two cars in front and behind me, and right up against the curb. Perfect!
Getting out was when I discovered something rather interesting going on. Absolutely everybody was looking at me, half of them going nice car, and the other half going what on Earth is one of them, a Bimmer? It may not be the prettiest of cars, but it certainly has that image that screams “Look at me, I am far richer than you will ever be!”
After a spot of shopping buying things that reckon any person that owns a car like this would buy (caviar, champagne, some fish I have never heard of etc), it was time to start the 5-hour journey to the other wonderful city of Seville. Well, 5 hours is if you go by boring motorways all the way, which I wasn't doing.
Joining the busy motorway was, as expected, an absolute doddle, simply because I could out accelerate absolutely every single car on the road. Foot flat down and the car launches you to where you were looking just a blink of an eye beforehand. To be honest, the performance almost certainly is excessive and unnecessary in a luxury car as they are meant to be quick, but they shouldn't feel like a kick in the ribs when you stretch your right leg. For me, however, it adds to the experience of this car. Whatever you thought was the absolute limit in a 4-door car is simply smashed in this car, be it in terms of quality or in performance.
Cruising along the motorway is an absolute doddle too. Top gear, cruise control on, and just steer. Well, to be honest, even that isn't required as if you begin to veer in your lane it sorts itself out. I do, however, recommend that you do steer. Another wonderful thing when cruising along is just how relaxing the cabin is at speed. Not a single sound intrudes the cabin. The engine becomes a distant background hum and wind and road noise is pretty much nonexistent. In order to relax some more you set your massage seat in whatever setting you like (my preference is the fast and vigorous shoulder rub).
There is one thing I just want to fire the people at Montes for (not that I can) and it took me quite some time to realise it. When you have an engine like this a car, you instantly feel like you are in a sports car and even more so when you have a ghastly gearbox. The ride on this car is harsh, and after realising that I was in a car that is supposed to make driving a calm and relaxing experience, I felt like stopping the car and getting out. A flappy ‘box is bad enough, but a ride that makes you feel almost every single bump and rut in the road surface seems completely and utterly bonkers. No matter what the speed and no matter what setting you have your seat in, you can never be properly comfortable. I don't know whether Montes made a car to try and test your patience, but being jiggled about non-stop is absolutely infuriating.
Miles and miles of motorway went by nice and quickly, even though I was getting my internals tested by the suspension. If it wasn't for the comfy seats I probably would have had ended up being a crippled old man with battered (*¡CENSORED!*) for the rest of my life. It was time to leave the supposedly smooth motorways and go along the less cared for country roads through the wonderful Sierra Morena mountain range in order to truly test the ride comfort, handling, performance and so on. Along this route there are a couple of small towns with extremely narrow streets, which will test how usable it is in places like these.
Hitting the country roads, and I mean it when I say hitting, was not wonderful. The first road (if that is what you can call it) that I was on was about as smooth as ACNE. There was not a single bit of road that I felt was not deliberately trying to make me want to repair the road with bathroom sealant or something like that. Bumps, ruts, cracks and any other type of imperfection that was present on the road was somehow transmitted into the cabin. Luxury cars should iron out all but the worst of the bumps, not magically emphasise them.
The country roads, apart from their poor condition, were absolutely glorious. Heading towards the Sierra Morena mountain range, they passed through many typically small, old Spanish villages where the average age of the population is 107. Olive trees, orange trees, lemon trees and all sorts of other agriculture was going on wherever you looked. It wasn't even ruined by the surprising traffic on this road. I was expecting it to be quiet, but progress was not hampered because either the traffic was flowing fast enough, or the slow traffic (mainly tractors unsurprisingly) was easy to pass, mainly because of the sheer power this engine produces. On one overtake though, I probably took the engine close to its rev limit, and I did notice something I didn't like. It has something that almost feels like VTEC beyond 4000 rpm. You go from brutal power to diabolical power levels when this happens, but this switch is rather sudden and almost feels as if a small laggy turbo just kicked in (yo). The power delivery should be as smooth as the ride and gearbox should be, which, if you haven’t gathered by now, they aren’t.
Many more trees, tractors and 237-year olds later, the almost dead-straight road hit the mountains and the fun began. The road got narrower, more and more bends appeared and the traffic just seemed to vanish. By the time I had reached this point I gave up thinking about this car as a luxury car, and started thinking of it as a very heavy sports car with a Rolls-Royce rivalling interior. It certainly feels that way. Considering it weighs as much as it does, it certainly does handle. There are immense levels of grip and the speed at which you can throw this car into a corner is mind blowing. The bends were very tight and narrow, and in some places very blind, so I never really went to the max with it, but you do have a very high level of confidence as to where the wheels are pointing and where you will end up as you come out of the corner, something else that is rather surprising in a car of its class as they usually have their steering setup to be more comfortable and light in order to make journeys more comfortable.
Some distance later I stumbled across a wonderful little town with narrow cobbled streets and residents with an even higher average age than I thought was even doable. The task was to simply get around. A Rolls-Royce would be a Lols-Royce in towns like these. It was almost impossible for me to get around in my not-much-bigger-than-a-BMW 5-Series sized ostentatious-mobile, but it managed. Every single hairpin bend and going past parked cars was a very close squeeze that made me squeak and squeal like a fan-girl whenever I thought I was going to scrape a door mirror worth more than a Dacia.
As a conclusion, you could live in a small mountainous town with a car like this whereas with a Bentley, Maybach or Rolls you would fail miserably, but I seriously do not recommend it. And besides, who do you know that is as wealthy as a person who could own a car like this that lives in a town like this? There you go. (so why did you test it, fool)
Up there, things were absolutely glorious. It seemed as if the roads had been designed with the idea of simply putting a smile on peoples’ faces. You could see for miles upon miles and the views were just simply stunning, but eventually roads like these came to an end and before you knew it I was back on the last stretch of motorway before I arrived in Seville and the journey came to an end. I pulled up at the final destination, some posh hotel, and parked the Montes.
The Montes Excelsior will be one of those experiences I will never forget. Never in my entire life have I driven a car like that, and to be honest I don’t think there will ever be cars like that again. A person who is going to be spending amounts well into the 6-digits on a car does not want to be driving, they want to be driven. From a driver’s car perspective, this is the only luxurious 4-door megabucks sports car money can buy, but nobody who wants a driver’s car wants one. From a chauffeur’s point of view, this car would be annoying. It is fast and certainly feels nice up front, but the sporty feel is something not to be desired. Worst of all though is the driven person’s point of view. All they will notice is the crashy ride and being kicked in the ribs every now and again when the chauffeur forgets just how brutal this car is. Nobody will ever want to buy this car, and this why I can not recommend it to anybody. It is great at many things, but not in the right things. Montes are simply supplying cars for what is currently a non-existent audience. A shame really, because apart from the hugely disappointing niggles, after driving it this distance I began to like it.
Vital Statistics
Top Speed: 195.9 mph
Acceleration (0-100km/h): 3.3 seconds
Power: 663 bhp @ 7500rpm
Torque: 495 ft-lb @ 6200rpm
Fuel Economy: 27.0 UK mpg
Material Cost: $76474.68
Production Units: 987.21
Weight: 2300.6 kg
RatingsPerformance: 
Ride Comfort: Handling: Refinement: Equipment: Quality: Reliability: Running Costs: Safety: OVERALL:
And there you have it! Hope you liked it!
Mon Nov 17, 2014 9:44 am 
