FAQ  •  Login

Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the story]

<<

strop

User avatar

3-Star Beta Tester
3-Star Beta Tester

Posts: 3462

Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:31 pm

Cars: Honda Civic VTI-S MY13

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 12:34 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [idea]

/No corrections to be made in the previous post.

Staggering towards the source of the buzzing, Mr B. rummaged through a pile of clothes next to the bed. He wasn't even sure if any of it was his. Fingers finally closing around something plastic, he scooped it up and blearily peered at the screen. On it, was a text message that read only thus:

LOOK OUTSIDE
<<

squidhead

User avatar

Posts: 911

Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:36 pm

Cars: BMW E34

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 2:18 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [idea]

I did not find any problems with the text above.

As Mr.B. stumbled towards the window, tripping over furniture and avoiding broken glass, random wild guesses blasted past in his mind. The blinding, shining, light of the sun hit his eyes, as he forced himself to focus on the dark figures standing outside, waiting for him patiently.
<<

07CobaltGirl

User avatar

Queen of Track Building

Posts: 1613

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 11:47 am

Location: Atlanta, GA, USA

Cars: Chevy Cobalt

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 4:11 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [idea]

squidhead wrote:I did not find any problems with the text above.

As Mr.B. stumbled towards the window, tripping over furniture and avoiding broken glass, random wild guesses blasted past in his mind. The blinding, shining, light of the sun hit his eyes, as he forced himself to focus on the dark figures standing outside, waiting for him patiently.


corrected wrote:As Mr.B. stumbled towards the window tripping over furniture and avoiding broken glass, random wild guesses blasted past in his mind. The blinding, shining light of the sun hit his eyes, as he forced himself to focus on the dark figures standing outside waiting for him patiently.
Overuse of commas make sentence pauses overwhelming and should be used sparingly. Light is the subject and adjectives should be separated from each other but not from their subjects. Again, more overuse of commas. As a general rule, compound sentences should only use commas when fully separated as independent clauses. Fragmented clauses should use commas, but only if the sentence fragment can be left out with no change in meaning.


Mr. B rushed to the bureau to see his gun was not with its holster and gasped in frustration. A flashback of the night before reminded him how he arrived here and what his purpose was. He rushed through the door to the hallway, only to be stopped in his tracks by what was standing just behind the door.
<<

koolkei

User avatar

Posts: 947

Joined: Wed Sep 09, 2015 10:35 pm

Cars: a mini 2 wheeled single cyl car :D

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 4:23 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [idea]

strop wrote:The first sentence does end with a preposition; I did say I'd tolerate it but the phrasing can nonetheless be optimised. Furthermore, the prose can be made a little punchier with the elimination of a bit of redundancy, so I'll make a suggestion below:

Mr. B woke up in a hotel room. He didn't even remember checking in.
Last night must have been wild. But as Mr B. had absolutely no recollection of any of it, he started to search the room for clues.


wow just a couple of words changed and it sounds way more story-ish.. thx a lot :)

also, if you can't find anything wrong with the post(s) before you, no need to explicitly say it. :)
continuing on....

-----------------------------------------------------

Being still badly hungover, it seems that his brain just refuses to recall anything from last night.
doubtfully, he finally decides to ask "i'm really sorry but, do i know you? and what happened here?"
<<

07CobaltGirl

User avatar

Queen of Track Building

Posts: 1613

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 11:47 am

Location: Atlanta, GA, USA

Cars: Chevy Cobalt

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 4:50 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [idea]

koolkei wrote:Being still badly hungover, it seems that his brain just refuses to recall anything from last night.
doubtfully, he finally decides to ask "i'm really sorry but, do i know you? and what happened here?"


Still being hungover, it seems that his brain just refuses to recall anything from last night.
Doubtfully, he finally decides to ask, "I'm really sorry, but do I know you, and what happened here?"

Badly should be poor or not used at all. Serious, debilitating, unforgiving, and relentless would be good substitutes for badly in this sentence, but are really unnecessary. The second half of the sentence also could use structural changes, but I really don't have a good suggestion for it. "I" should always be capitalized and quotes should always be separated by a comma in a mixed sentence. On a side note, KUDOS! Most native English speakers put the ending punctuation, a question mark in this case, outside the quotations. They should always be included inside, or a comma should be used to indicate a separation before the ending quotation mark. Regarding the same sentence, they should be included as a single sentence, or two stand alone sentences. "And" is not a proper sentence beginning.


The tall, slender figure in the doorway speaks in a husky voice. "The darkness will overcome you." It appears to be feminine, but Mr. B could not be absolutely positive, as the figure disappears into the shadows as if it were never there.
<<

cpufreak101

User avatar

Supercharged
Supercharged

Posts: 816

Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:28 am

Location: My Bedroom

Cars: no license right now but i'll be getting a 2006 Chevy Trailblazer LS once i do get one

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 6:47 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

Mr. B. then proceeded to try to call the figure back. "Hey, who are you, get back here!" he exclaimed.
Company Id:1945270
Galt Motors, excelence since 1945
(PS, Galt automotive is still Galt motors, i use it interchangably)
<<

Sillyworld

User avatar

Posts: 400

Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2015 8:48 am

Location: Guadalajara, México

Cars: Mazda 3 hatchback

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:02 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

cpufreak101 wrote:Mr. B. then proceeded to try to call the figure back. "Hey, who are you, get back here!" he exclaimed.

I think that phrase has "too many words in it" and I suggest the following correction:
Mr B called the figure back, "Hey! who are you? Get back here!"


But there was no response or action returned.
<<

EnryGT5

User avatar

Turbocharged
Turbocharged

Posts: 753

Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2012 2:30 am

Location: Seishido HQ, Ebisu, Tokyo.

Cars: '01 Ford Focus 1.8 TDdi
'10 Citroen C3 1.6 HDi

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:11 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

"But there was no response or action returned."
It doesn't sound that well to me... i think something like this would work better:
"But there wasn't any response" Action isn't exactly needed here.

Mr.B, slowly retreated in his bedroom, making sure no one was around him. As soon as he locked the door behind him, he rushed towards his cellphone and tried to call 911, but the screen went black and a satellite map with two flashing red spots appeared. "Now what?" He sighed.

EDIT: I fixed my plot issues.
CEO of Seishido Motors.
Forum Thread: viewtopic.php?f=35&t=8343

Suddenly, a temporary logo appears.
<<

strop

User avatar

3-Star Beta Tester
3-Star Beta Tester

Posts: 3462

Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:31 pm

Cars: Honda Civic VTI-S MY13

Post Wed Feb 17, 2016 8:44 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

Sillyworld wrote:
cpufreak101 wrote:But there was no response or action returned.


But... Nobody came.

:lol:

Just kidding. This post has nothing to do with the ongoing story and is not a correction (though I suggest a sentence like that should be as brief as possible for maximum impact).
<<

Sillyworld

User avatar

Posts: 400

Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2015 8:48 am

Location: Guadalajara, México

Cars: Mazda 3 hatchback

Post Fri Feb 19, 2016 3:01 pm

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

strop wrote:
Sillyworld wrote:But there was no response or action returned.
But... Nobody came [...] I suggest a sentence like that should be as brief as possible for maximum impact.

Actually, I took that line from a Song (Windowpane by Opeth) and I always wondered if it was correct, it sounds a little odd, but I think it sounds almost... poetic.Anyways, back to the story:


Suddenly, he was lightheaded from the confussion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was only a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. It's just the hangover... I just need... to lay down for a moment...
<<

squidhead

User avatar

Posts: 911

Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:36 pm

Cars: BMW E34

Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:41 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

Sillyworld wrote:Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was only a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. "It's just the hangover... I just need... to lay down for a moment..." He said to himself


I am guessing



Anyways

"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. "Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!" - the voice continued. "But mooooooooom" - Mr.B. replied sarcasically. "The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window" - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.
<<

koolkei

User avatar

Posts: 947

Joined: Wed Sep 09, 2015 10:35 pm

Cars: a mini 2 wheeled single cyl car :D

Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 5:29 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

adding to squidhead fixes. i think the word 'only' was unecessary
Sillyworld wrote:Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. "It's just the hangover... I just need... to lay down for a moment..." He said to himself


squidhead wrote:"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. "Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!" - the voice continued. "But mooooooooom" - Mr.B. replied sarcastically. "The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window" - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.


this part
"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness.

i feel like something's not quite right, but i don't know what or how to fix it

"wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?" Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
"sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t, gotta go fast" he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.


i've learned more english in these 2 pages than my whole middle school years O_O
<<

cpufreak101

User avatar

Supercharged
Supercharged

Posts: 816

Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:28 am

Location: My Bedroom

Cars: no license right now but i'll be getting a 2006 Chevy Trailblazer LS once i do get one

Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:07 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

[quote="koolkei"]
"wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?" Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
"sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t, gotta go fast" he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.

you forgot to capitalize the first words of the sentences

Mr. B. then opened the window. He jumped out and found himself on a fire escape ten stories up.
Company Id:1945270
Galt Motors, excelence since 1945
(PS, Galt automotive is still Galt motors, i use it interchangably)
<<

squidhead

User avatar

Posts: 911

Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:36 pm

Cars: BMW E34

Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:27 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

"There he is" he heard a shout from down below. Looking down Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.
<<

WhiteMercedes

User avatar

Posts: 20

Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2015 2:16 pm

Location: New York

Cars: 1971 Ford Mustang Mach 1
1989 Mercedes-Benz 300SEL

Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 10:27 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

squidhead wrote:"There he is" he heard a shout from down below. Looking down Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.


For continuity's sake, I would have added a dash between the quote and "he". A comma should be placed after "down". There should be a space in "Mr. B."

Mr. B continued climbing until nearly reaching the roof of the building. He decided to attempt to hold off the police by throwing his shoe at the pursuing police officer. Before he could remove the shoe, Mr. B lost his grip on the rung of the ladder. He tumbled down, hitting the officer. He was now hanging onto the officer's leg for dear life.
Guentherstrass AG: Refinement in Motion. Since 1945.

Image
PreviousNext

Return to Off Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron