Queen of Track Building
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Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 11:47 am
Location: Atlanta, GA, USA
Cars: Chevy Cobalt
Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st
koolkei wrote:adding to squidhead fixes. i think the word 'only' was unecessarySillyworld wrote:Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. "It's just the hangover... I just need... to lay down for a moment..." He said to himselfsquidhead wrote:"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. "Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!" - the voice continued. "But mooooooooom" - Mr.B. replied sarcastically. "The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window" - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.
this part"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness.
i feel like something's not quite right, but i don't know what or how to fix itThe hyphen or dash is the problem. It should read: "You are pathetic," he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness.
"wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?" Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
"sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t, gotta go fast" he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.
i've learned more english in these 2 pages than my whole middle school years O_OI sure hope you are not from a native English country then!
WhiteMercedes wrote:squidhead wrote:"There he is" he heard a shout from down below. Looking down Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.
For continuity's sake, I would have added a dash between the quote and "he". A comma should be placed after "down". There should be a space in "Mr. B."Actually, the dash is a trashy novel format, and not proper English. A quotation should always be separated by a punctuation form inside the quotation marks, as referenced in my correction above. The punctuation can be anything which is appropriate, including exclamation points and question marks. If it is a period, however, it declares the end of the sentence, and the next word should be capitalized as the beginning of a new sentence. If the sentence must go on, then the period should be replaced with a comma.
Mr. B continued climbing until nearly reaching the roof of the building. He decided to attempt to hold off the police by throwing his shoe at the pursuing police officer. Before he could remove the shoe, Mr. B lost his grip on the rung of the ladder. He tumbled down, hitting the officer. He was now hanging onto the officer's leg for dear life.
A shadowy figure appeared from the window next to Mr. B. It pulled him into the window with lightning speed as he was flung across the new room. Outside he heard the screams of the officers as they plummeted six floors down to the street below.
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