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Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the story]

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07CobaltGirl

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Post Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:33 pm

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

koolkei wrote:adding to squidhead fixes. i think the word 'only' was unecessary
Sillyworld wrote:Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. "It's just the hangover... I just need... to lay down for a moment..." He said to himself


squidhead wrote:"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. "Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!" - the voice continued. "But mooooooooom" - Mr.B. replied sarcastically. "The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window" - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.


this part
"You are pathetic" - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness.

i feel like something's not quite right, but i don't know what or how to fix it

The hyphen or dash is the problem. It should read: "You are pathetic," he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness.


"wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?" Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
"sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t, gotta go fast" he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.


i've learned more english in these 2 pages than my whole middle school years O_O
I sure hope you are not from a native English country then!



WhiteMercedes wrote:
squidhead wrote:"There he is" he heard a shout from down below. Looking down Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.


For continuity's sake, I would have added a dash between the quote and "he". A comma should be placed after "down". There should be a space in "Mr. B."

Actually, the dash is a trashy novel format, and not proper English. A quotation should always be separated by a punctuation form inside the quotation marks, as referenced in my correction above. The punctuation can be anything which is appropriate, including exclamation points and question marks. If it is a period, however, it declares the end of the sentence, and the next word should be capitalized as the beginning of a new sentence. If the sentence must go on, then the period should be replaced with a comma.


Mr. B continued climbing until nearly reaching the roof of the building. He decided to attempt to hold off the police by throwing his shoe at the pursuing police officer. Before he could remove the shoe, Mr. B lost his grip on the rung of the ladder. He tumbled down, hitting the officer. He was now hanging onto the officer's leg for dear life.


A shadowy figure appeared from the window next to Mr. B. It pulled him into the window with lightning speed as he was flung across the new room. Outside he heard the screams of the officers as they plummeted six floors down to the street below.
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koolkei

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Post Sun Feb 21, 2016 2:10 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

squidhead wrote:"There he is!" He heard a shout from down below. Looking down, Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.


trying to apply what you said. is this correct?

His head hit the wall after he was flung across the room. his mind goes back to half-conscious.
"HEY! Get up! Let's GTFO of here!" A shouting that he heard from the stranger that pulled him in.
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07CobaltGirl

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Post Sun Feb 21, 2016 5:54 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

koolkei wrote:
squidhead wrote:"There he is!" He heard a shout from down below. Looking down, Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.


trying to apply what you said. is this correct?

You can do the sentence the way you have it, but for better flow you should keep the two together or restructure the second sentence so it sounds less like a fragment (it isn't actually a fragment, but after the quote it sounds like one).


His head hit the wall after he was flung across the room. his mind goes back to half-conscious.
"HEY! Get up! Let's GTFO of here!" A shouting that he heard from the stranger that pulled him in.
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koolkei

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Post Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:23 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

continue it?
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07CobaltGirl

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Post Fri Mar 04, 2016 8:04 am

Re: Let's fix our english with a forum game [Continue the st

koolkei wrote:continue it?



Fine. I was going to stop there and only answer your correction and its use, but I will also now critique your addition (you're not going to like the brutality of this one) and add my own afterward. :P

As a compendium, I am also going to add a website which is quite useful in determining proper English use. It can be found here. It is not an end-all-arguments source, but it will get you about as close as is actually possible, given the countless nuances of written and spoken English.


koolkei wrote:
His head hit the wall after he was flung across the room. his mind goes back to half-conscious.
"Hey! Get up! Let's get the fuck out of here!" came a shout from the stranger.

07CobaltGirl wrote:I know in the age of internet-speak, using all capital letters for tone is common, however, in proper English is is completely incorrect unless it is an acronym. Regarding acronyms, GTFO is not a legitimate one. Yes, that is correct, it is not an acronym. It is a net-speak term, and is only appropriate in chat rooms and text messages, which are somehow completely immune to any use of proper English. While this is a web forum, and could be considered one of those two mediums where it is appropriate, given the context of this thread it is considered inappropriate as it was stated to be a way to learn better use of the English language. Written language is intended to mimic spoken language and vice versa. If you are embarrassed about using profanity, then don't use it. Perhaps the most important part of written language, that is any written language, is to know your audience. If they will be offended, confused, annoyed, or in any other way disturbed by your language, then you should reconsider your wording. You shouldn't abbreviate it to disguise it as something else. Shouting is a verb, not a noun, yet it is the subject of your sentence. Read up on the use of "this" and "that" for a better understanding of what they actually are supposed to be doing. These are conjunctions, and in this case are really unnecessary to the sentence meaning. If you insist on being so descriptive, it should probably read "...came a shout which he heard from the stranger who pulled him in." Again, it is completely unnecessary to write it this way, but it is optional.


Mr. B instinctively took a swing in the direction of the voice but was blocked as he was flipped around, face against the wall instead. "You don't want to burn a bridge with me. I'm your friend in this situation." The feminine voice was rough and scratchy, and the woman who spoke with it seemed quite strong.

EDIT: See, this is why I didn't respond initially. I knew it was going to come across as mean or rude, which wasn't the intent.
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